I’m an annoyingly positive person. I’m the person who makes everyone sick by posting inspirational shit on Facebook all day. These posts never get comments, and rarely get likes, which is fine because I post them for me mostly.
A funny thing happened awhile back. I think it says a lot about the human race, and my friends in particular.
I’d had a bad few days, which is rare for me, and found myself having a super shitty morning, wishing a certain someone would disappear. This doesn’t necessarily mean I want them to die. They can disappear to Cancun for all I care, as long as they aren’t in my midst. I jokingly posted the following:
If you were to kill someone, how would you ensure that you wouldn't get caught?
The reason no one comments on my rosy, feel good posts is that people don’t want to talk about rainbows and kittens. Death and destruction, on the other hand - that they want to discuss. The comments began rolling in.
I’ve listed some of my murder advice in the order in which it was given:
1. “Feed them to the hogs.”
Although this idea seems romantic, logistically speaking, this would be an unreasonable avenue for me to take. For one, I don’t even know any hogs. For two, I would leave all kinds of DNA from point A to point B, and for three, how am I going to throw a grown, heavy, squirmy man to the hogs? I don’t think he’s going to be having that shit. So on the surface it seems like a real option, but just not realistic for what I’m looking for.
2. “Sodium hydroxide or potassium hydroxide will do the trick in as little as a few hours if done correctly but it's not as easy as one thinks.”
This one thinks I’m looking for easy murder, not hard murder. Next.
3. “Actually a few eye drops of Visine in their drinks over a slow period of time will kill them and never be detected.”
This idea made my heart swell. This is the kind of solution I was looking for. No blood on my carpet, no dragging heavy bodies and throwing my back out. Nice and tidy. This person is a true friend.
4. "Ice bullets."
This is pretty genius, really. But where do I buy an ice bullet gun? And there’s still the possibility of being caught on camera or leaving fingerprints on the ice bullet gun. And I live in Texas so the bullets would melt and then that would be called a squirt gun. I don't know about this one.
5. “Thought this through....because you just never know....let's say they just "accidentally" die...it happens...freeze the body, cut up the froze parts...get your wood chipper and take it and your frozen body out on the lake...around a unpopular area in the water...push the parts through the wood chipper out into the lake....fish will love it....dump the wood chipper and the chain saw you used to cut up the frozen parts into the lake....done....asshole deserved it.”
There are a couple of things I really like about this comment. First, I appreciate how she’s thinking of the fish’s feelings. Not many people have that kind of heart these days so that gave me the warm fuzzies. Secondly, I like how she immediately takes my side at the end not even knowing the situation. This shows she has confidence that I thought it through and I’m making a rational decision based on facts. That means a lot. Though I feel like the plan could work, there are too many moving parts to this idea. My luck I’d end up tripping and falling into the wood chipper, and that’s the wrong dead person.
6. “As a general rule a shot gun is a good weapon. Purchase the ammo several months in advance from a bulk sales location (Walmarts are a good choice) and then. ...wait. Um. I don't know. I've never thought about it.”
I agree that a shotgun is going to get the job done. Again, video, fingerprints, or he takes the gun from me and shoots me instead. This has to be a little more sneaky.
7. Call Hillary!
8. A girl sent me a link but here’s the gist: “Carfentanil has made its way into the area and onto Cleveland streets. Carfentanil had already been circulating and killing people in Akron and Summit County.”
This is something I could easily pick up in Bellmead. For those of you who don’t know where Bellmead is, be thankful. This carfentanil is made for tranquilizing or killing elephants. Just a fun little fact. Quick and easy killing. Thoughtful idea.
For me, the clear winners were number 3 and number 8. I felt like these people were really looking out for me to make sure I wouldn’t get caught, and that was the whole point. So maybe people aren't hitting “like” on my inspirational posts, but when it matters most, they’re going to step in and help me get away with murder.
Just when you think there’s no good left in this world.